do you ever feel fat?

do you ever have those days that you feel...dare I say....fat?

today has been one of those days for me.

I have worried a good while tonight about my weight & what I will do if I gain it all back. It's like a nightmare. I have worked & sweated & labored for these months and I'm honestly doing all that I know to do...and yet here it is........the FEAR that it's coming back. 5 pounds here, 2 pounds there & in 6 months I will be struggling to be below 150...yeah. It's a fear. Seriously.

I know that there are bigger problems in this world, goodness knows I have other problems in my life, but I surely don't want to be going thru this lifestyle change & end up back where I started & where a lot of yo-yo dieters end up...as heavy or heavier than before.

I've looked at my belly more times than I will admit today. I keep wondering if it's fluffier than usual. I admit I've had dr. peppers but I've also had intense workouts to boot. And you know it's not every day I have 'em.......but I do. sometimes. And they are good. And I don't want to apologize for this  love...lol

I didn't go to the gym today because it was an off day. I hate it happens to be on the same day that I'm having my worry session about my weight. I don't worry about it daily, but I am concerned enough about it this night to blog about it.......and why? Because I'm worried. I don't want to go back to being 'that girl' that couldn't find pants to fit her right, couldn't find her belly button, couldn't walk, muchless run,  mile if her life depended upon it. I know it's vain...but Lord I don't. I'm working so blasted hard......I sure am.

I know that my body is going thru changes, and that while a pound of muscle is = to a pound of fat, muscle is more compact & thus seems like it's "weighing more"......get it? I'm hoping that my hardening body is NOT turning to fat, I'm hoping that the hardness I feel just under the surface is trying to peek out, but only time will tell.

I am working out about 5 days per week, when you count my cardio days. I never thought I'd ever long to go to the gym. But I do. And maybe feeling fat today has to do with missing the gym.....but when I look at the mirror tonight I wonder..is that extra fullness I see in my face..........and then I remember that is where I started gaining my weight last time. I don't want to go back there. I'm fighting it tooth and nail. I want to prove to myself and to the world that genetics of some in my family is not "going to get me".....it's a fight..it's a fight indeed.

I'm not giving up...I'm preparing to dig my heels in deeper and fight harder. Why? Because I refuse to give up and call it quits. I won't do that to my body...to what I dream of it being. I may be 40, but that's not old. I'm just getting started....I want to accomplish so much with this life and with this body that God graced me with. We are all so blessed to be alive.....to make the best of what God has given us....and that's what I'm doing.......

because in the end, it's not about the weight...is it? It's about what you do with it once you have it lifted in the air. I may struggle, I may wobble......but I'm not giving up. Eventhough I'm having my own mini freak out tonight, I will not go down without a fight. 5 lbs, 2 lbs, or whatever or not. I won't. I just won't.

anyway, the question I guess I wanted to ask the void is.....do you ever feel fat?