I tried to go to the gym yesterday afternoon only to have my guts to tell me "heck no"....and thus started my pain again. How do I end up here again......How do I get out of this place of pain? How do I get to where I'm actually eating again so that my system isn't frozen and metabolism isn't at rock bottom level? How can I eat and feel full again? When can food be fun again?
growing up, I knew that I had something wrong and thru the years I've had bouts of anorexia and bulimia (and no I won't talk about it, and no I won't tell you how to do it, so don't ask). And I've never LOVED food. I've only eaten to live.....to survive and that is no fun...at all.
a few years ago the word "celiac" came into my life & I thought that was all that was wrong. I ended up having a surgery & they removed a small part of my intestines & I thought I was "fixed". I fell off of the celiac gluten free diet & man I feel off good.
I knew that my insides were more than suffering and I still ignored all the signs, even when I was told by others what was wrong. UNTIL this recent bout and I know I'm no longer 'borderline' crohns too, I'm full fledged.
Since I already take meds for another problem, I'm trying to go holistic. I've already had some of my intestines removed, I'm trying to avoid any more. I don't want any more surgeries...way too many already.
I have decided to do a diet of mostly juicing (especially during this flare up) and add in protein in my shakes and I'm going to have 1 good meal to eat a day. That will give my 'guts' time to heal & not work so hard & allow my liver to quit over functioning.
I made a mistake the other day thinking I could eat sausage (since it was a meat) and it was the long smoked kind straight from a butcher, so I thought I was good. And *this is gross* it became obvious to me it wasn't working when I saw it coming in as it went out if you know what I mean. That's not good. Dummy girl. Another food added to foods I can't eat. great.
After yesterday (my first juicing day) I have come to realize that juicing will be expensive. I don't know how I can afford it.......but I'm praying that I find a way. If not, I will figure out another way to work it out.
today, I went to Publix to look for Kale & they didn't have any EITHER! What's up with that? Anyway, while I was there I saw organic gluten free tomato soup made my V-8 and it was in the clearance bin and I looked at the organic gluten free chips & saw they had a style of corn chips (and I took it down the regular chip isle and found the same chips in another bag and they were 2 dollars cheaper (why is eating right and easiest on your digestive track so fracking expensive?)
so I feel like I scored.
I came home & fixed a small amount of the tomato soup & it was amazing. I can not recommend it enough. It was seasoned just enough to have a little kick but not off the shelf condensed til processing comes pouring out of the can either. It tasted to me just like homemade straight from the tomatoes soup, I loved it. Go. Buy it you must. V-8. its amazing. It's down the organic (aka the boring isles) but it's worth the trip. seriously.
food is still not fun. I'm still struggling with making myself eat. I know that it's because of my celiac and crohns but I'm going to keep at it.
oh, just when you thought I wouldn't mention dr. peppers......I am 17 days into no dr. peppers. I've had a few times I wanted them, but mostly its fleeing and usually when I see a cold on in the cooler at the store. Thus, I've really been staying out of them as much as I can..and today, I went in and didn't even think to look at the cola coolers. I'm a good girl and I'm so proud of me. I'm feeling more confident that I've really stopped and this has helped my feeling I have no willpower or that they are what I so need. Looking back on it I know that it's because I had started looking at them as 'friends' since I really don't have them in real life and I looked forward to have a 'reason' to go somewhere since I felt so useless that was giving me a task to do.
I didn't realize how dehydrated I was until I gave them up & I started drinking 2 liters of water to replace my 1.5 liter dr. pepper. The trick I had read that would work has. I'm drowning my need for dr. pepper by just feeding myself all kinds of water.....I'm proud of that too. I've always wanting to feel like I didn't want one, I really wanted to kick that habit so I've done that. I'm calling myself quit on them. I'm a quitter. Yep. I finally am proud of being a quitter. Yey me.
food may never be fun for me (again) but that's okay. I will take days without a swollen gut over that any day. I'm so tired of pain.
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