will I ever get there?

I think that I'm pretty good at going to the gym and giving it my all and working as hard as I can. This whole chasing away the chubby has been a long hard battle since 2005 and I've been working to be more fit since 2008 (minus surgeries and a few hic-cups along the way).

I've seen my size be way up, way down and a little up and a little down. I'm so use to fitness minded things that I don't even have to step on the scale to know my week was/was not successful.....like this week. I'm due to weigh in tomorrow  & I don't wanna because I know what it's gonna say (or not say)......I have not been a good girl this week. I've had too many dr. peppers and I've been eating crap. I totally have no excuse and no one but me to blame so I'm not even going to go there.

This past Monday I put on my trusty bikini and off to the beach we went. I don't think I will ever feel comfortable enough in my skin to believe I look good in one of these things & when I see my face in the mirror it depresses the crap outta me (wrinkles and oh my age).....

I would love it to feel like I was accomplishing something......something in this whole fitness thing of mine. I can't count the amount of lunges and dead lifts I do (well I can but you know what I mean) and yet due to a cruel trick played by mother nature and genetics these dimples aren't going away and they don't seem to be getting much better either.


I see 20 year olds on the beach & I know in my head it's not fair to compare us....I'm 42 had lots of surgeries and my road has been a rough one on my body......but I can't help it. And I know that the hubbs will be looking because that's what  most men do....look at women as they go by.

Back when I was younger I felt self conscious because I'm small chested and now I feel self conscious because of my aging body. I look at my tummy and see nothing  but scars and the days of feeling like my legs looked good are long gone for me I'm afraid. I'm never satisfied.

I wish that I could age gracefully. I wish that I could look at me and see the good instead of always seeing what I'd like to fix. I'd like to have it that the hard work I put into the gym shows some freaking where on my body instead of showing up only in my notes. After all this time you'd think I'd "be there" already.....

will I ever get there?

I don't want to look like a super model or anything & I know that I will not be able to ever compete professionally in this field but I'd like to see something.......something to show what a good girl I've been and how hard I've been working in the gym.

Instead, I will weigh myself. I will be disappointed if the scale does anything other than stay still or go down....I feel like I should be that small weight I wanna be but I'm smart enough to know the crap I ate this week ain't helping me with this...I know this. But yet I still did it. And I will have to 'answer' to Friday me when it shows I've been eating crap. I have to fight like the dickens to stay slim but  yet I have a crappy eating week & it will immediately show up on the scale. Hows that for fair? The freaking scales are not my friend.